Otherkin and Me

Me and my relationship to being otherkin. Get ready to rock and scroll!

• Awakening
• Kin List
• Kin Feels
• See Also

Awakening

All my life, I never felt fully human. I never had full on hatred for humans. I was diagnosed as autistic from a very young age and always knew that's why I was different. But I still didn't "click" with the idea of being human even under the autistic lens.. It felt...Boring. I didn't relate to it. I wanted to roam free and run wild, to be a creature of the night and not have to deal with regular human problems. I remember fantasizing about being able to run on all fours, to break away from the normal human life and just be a creature.

I grew up with only cats up until I was 7 or 8. I've been around them since I was an infant. They have always brought me company, even if they weren't always wanting mine everyday. I didn't encounter dogs much and I feared them. They seemed big and unapproachable, while cats were safe. Quiet. Small yet actively hunting for food and demanding for your attention. I loved cats dearly and still do, but one night was what showed me what dogs really were.

With cats, I adored being with them, I loved their soft silky fur, their amusing attitudes, how they were just. Such little guys. They were simultaneously angelic and yet oh so devilish with their penchant for mischief. I honestly related to them, especially in the depictions of them walking around on two legs, being silly little guys. And to earn the trust of a cat is one of the most rewarding things ever, as cats can be darn aloof sometimes. They can be mean, they can be sassy, they're not always outgoing. And then that furball you thought hated everyone is snuggling against you, purring.

One night, I was in my family's car as we were back from grocery shopping. We were in the pitch black forest, lit only by our headlights. In this darkness, we spot a white fox creature sitting at the side of the road, just chilling there. We remarked how pretty it was, and we wanted to get a closer look. It wasn't a fox at all.

It was a dog. A beautiful one at that. He was a fluffy golden retriever/chow mix, with blonde fur, classic puppy dog eyes and a smile that lit up the world. He looked like a cross between a dog, a teddy bear, and a wolf. He was unbelievably friendly with us, showing no fear and even jumped up on us to see us, clearly having been recently abandoned. Poor pooch. We took him home and named him Panache after a Doodle I had in ToonTown at the time, but he soon became just Nashy. At first, I was a bit startled yet intrigued by him, as he'd jump on me and scratch me, yet he was so sweet, yet so wild!

Nashy acted as a gateway for dogs to me, showing that their energy was often to play, that they just wanted to be loved. This was only further confirmed when a year later, when we rescued another dog. Brownie: Brownie was originally a stray dog from a bad neighborhood, having been abandoned by his old owners. He was trained to be a guard dog. to attack on sight if anyone ever broke into their house. But then his old owners just abandoned him. He was next to an empty house that used to have people there, clearly. They left him behind. Brownie is still here at the time of this writing, and he's a nervous, nervous boy, but he's a total sweetie. Even if he doesn't trust 99% of all dogs ever. And has a territorial streak. Really, both of these boys are among the sweetest beings I've had the pleasure of meeting.

I think back to what my dad said years ago about dogs: "Even the meanest, toughest dog is silly. All dogs are silly." I think about this as every dog I have ever encountered had the "silly" in them, and the capacity to love. I think back to this remembering how Nashy stayed sweet to us, even if in his final years he was going senile and became afraid of everything else. I think of this when I remember Brownie's past as a guard dog, to be a giant lapdog who whines the second Mom isn't in the house. I think of this whenever I see my friend Alex's pitbull, Nora, a breed people fear more than actual wolves. And how she's just a big baby who barks and whines when she doesn't get instant attention right when she wants it.

I also recall how Dad would joke that, since Mom and Dad are the ones who'd be caring for our pets, and people often consider pets their children, that Nashy, Brownie and our cats were my brothers. It was just a joke, but to the oldest child, I did wonder if this is what it was like to care for a younger brother. My pets are family, and I care about them the way I do my parents and little sister.

I was always a biology animal science kid, specifically for dogs, cats, and wolves. Dogs and cats were what I had at home and I always wanted to know more about my fuzzy friends. But why wolves? Well, when I first got Nashy, I legit thought he was a wolfdog. I was a child and had no clue he was just a chow mix. I had no idea what wolfdogs actually looked like beyond that they looked wolfy. We'd always compare Nashy to a werewolf, and to a child who first met him on the side of the road, it wasn't far-fetched to think he was actually a wild animal. Child me had the last laugh, though, considering chows are a basal breed. I'd endlessly read about wolves, how they form a pack, how they're big scary hunters, how they howl, how they have alphas of the pack, how just fierce they seemed, and yet they were close relatives of dogs. And come on, man, wolves are just rad.

Wolves lived outside of the bond with humans and thrived just as dogs do with them. There's something appealing about that as an autistic trans guy who's already trying to navigate a world full of human, mindgames. I'd envy dogs for what they are physically and the idea of being loved by my family while not being human. Same goes for cats and how they can be both dependent and independent of humans in a sense, but wolves? Wolves literally get to go "EYYY FUCK THAT SHIT" and dip out entirely.

Adding fuel to the fire was werewolves, as a concept. As a child, they seemed frightening, being regular people who'd suddenly transform into a wild animal and rampage without a care in the world. The idea of being attacked by one was every fear I'd have of being attacked by a wild animal, only turned up to 11! I remember this story I read from a book about cryptids and urban legends about stuff like, bigfoot and aliens. The story goes was that a woman was out late at night, when suddenly, she attacked by a giant scary wolflike monster! It bit down on her red dress and tore it up as she managed to escape. The morning after, in the same area she was attacked, was a man who woke up in a bush, with red threads stuck in his teeth.

Ever since I read that story, I have feared yet stayed morbidly fascinated by werewolves. I used to be legit scared of one attacking me (I was 9! Leave me alone! Grr!). So imagine my surprise when Monster High comes out, and they have all these monsters as cute dolls! Instantly, I fell in love with Draculaura for just being the darn cutest, with a certain few dolls not far behind...Clawdeen Wolf, daughter of a werewolf, and Catrine DeMew, daughter of a werecat. A wolf girl and a catgirl, this is awesome! And I always wanted Catty Noir but never had a chance to snatch her. RIP.

Kin List

Animal/Mythological

• Cat. For every day I'm a fierce, ferocious canine, sometimes I'm an equally fierce little feline! Specifically a sassy little kitty who likes to knock things over! Nya! >:3


• Demon. Specifically a hellhound. Growing up in the Bible Belt as a queer goblin beast ain't easy. Maybe I am a Satanic abomination! And yanno what, hell yeah I am! I'm a demon! I'd rather be a demon with cool horns and a tail than a good girl any day!


• Dog. Specifically a spitz breed like a husky, chow, shiba inu or maybe even pomeranian. I'm loyal, I love attention, I love my friends, life is great, I love playing and- SQUIRREL! Oh hi there! :D But for real sometimes I just wanna be a big silly friend!!


• Doll. A less constant kin than the others, but do you ever dream of being beautiful beyond human recognition? You ever dream of being pure and dressed your best as a cute little dolly? That's me sometimes. I need to buy lolita dresses sometime for this cuz genuinely, I do love the style and I think it'd be perfect for the feels but then. OH NO THAT PRICE!! WAUGH! I also like the idea of being a haunted doll specifically, just this freaky ass doll that throws shit at you and growls at you out of nowhere like that one "haunted" Raggedy Ann doll apparently does.
• Fae. I am a fairy, LET ME IN! I'm a fucked up cross between the cute, modern fairies who fly around with pixie wings and like to make potions, and the scary fae from old folklore that like, kidnap people. I'm cute, I'm sparkly, but I'm also an abomination who will play dastardly tricks on you and curdle your milk if you mess with me! >:3


• Plushie. I'm fat and squishy! I don't always feel plushkin but when I do, it's SNUGGLE TIME! I really like collecting plushies for this in particular, it makes me feel surrounded by my own kind in a way.


• Vampire. I may be a werewolf, but I'm also a vampire! Specifically, I am a wolfy one who also is a gremlin who ALSO likes to bite necks and dance to goth rock. I may or may not be a fish Malk. Hiss!


• Werewolf. Just like the wolf, but now it's a MAN with ANGST because I have to turn into a human to go to work. And no one understands me, because everyone else thinks I'm a human when really, they don't know that I gnaw on BONES!


• Wolf. On the flip side, I'm not always wanting attention, and being shackled to humanity can be just as much of a curse as it is a blessing. Enter, the wolf, free from civilization. Nowhere near as cuddly as a dog, yet every bit as loyal to their pack. I wanna hunt, I wanna run, I bite, I wanna howl at the moon! For every time I wanna be a puppy, there's a time I want to go on the prowl!

Fictional

• Eevee (and by extension, the Eeveelutions in general). Another lil guy! I'm small and I may not seem like much, but before you know it, I can be anything you want! Or don't want! I like to think I'm one that can voluntarily evolve and devolve at will, so one minute I'm an Eevee, the next I'm a Glaceon, and then suddenly I'm Eevee again.


• Garou (WtA Werewolf). AS A MEMBER OF THE GAROU NATION WE YELL IN ALL CAPS AND GET VERY ANGRY! GRR! But really I'd say I'm a Ragabash Lupus who was raised by humans and now I'm apart of...Idk probably the Children of Gaia, they're the nicest lol. Or maybe I'm a BLACK SPIRAL DANCER MWAHAHAHA! Either way I hard relate to being an angry wolf thing and I'm certain I have a rage point meter at this rate lol.


• Kawaii Mascots. Hello Kitty and all her friends, Rilakkuma, literally anything Amuse sells that's a plush, I feel less like a specific character outside of Kuromi and more like I'm their species if that makes any sense. Like an entire species of booboo bears who just have these blank staring goober faces. No thoughts, head empty!
• Kindred (VtM Vampire). Probably either a Brujah or a Malkavian, though I also like the Gangrel a lot. Really, VtMB unintentionally captured the feeling for me of talking to my friends vs having to talk to humans who are all "normal" and I can't just tell them what I am. Except in real life I don't get attacked by vampire hunters if I spill the beans. I hope.


• Kuromi. I don't know what gets me about Kuromi, she's just me. I'm not even quite bunnykin (though I like bunnies a lot), I just think I am a tiny bunny that's specifically a bratty little goth plush. That, and I hold grudges for all eternity and get envious easily. I'm noticing a pattern...


• Mello (Death Note). I don't kin him quite as aggressively as I used to, but long before I knew what kinning was, I kinned this boy. I am SMART, I am ANGRY, I am TIRED OF NO ONE TAKING ME SERIOUSLY AND I'M ALWAYS IN THE SHADOW OF SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME! AND I'M SO MAD, I'M GONNA WEAR LEATHER AND BLOW UP SHIT WHILE TRYING TO CATCH KIRA! THEN I'LL EAT CHOCOLATE! RARGH! For real, if he wasn't a canon character, he'd sound like the exact type of OC I'd make for Death Note fanfic! I have actually cosplayed as him when I was tween and ngl, I could definitely do it again! Though I'd have to buy new clothes...And also account for the whole glasses wearing thing too...


• Pikachu. He may be a basic choice but fuck it! That's ME! I am a PIKACHU! I can ZAP YOU! (or well I would if I could). I'm one of them Rocketchu OCs from back in the day where they're all edgy and shit. Though Ash's Pikachu is a big ol' mood, especially in the earlier season where he's a bit of a gremlin lol.


• Smile Dog. Oh yes, we got a character this time! What what? Anyways, I adore infohazards and cognitohazards as a concept, especially when applied to digital stuff and I can relate because I have melted out eyeballs before! Accidentally sent them Jimmy Mouthwashing's penis...It's for the memes I promise! That aside, I've loved the little bastard for a long time and I always wanted to be physically...Whatever the hell he is. He actually inspired the design for my fursona, Rock! So I guess Rock's a kinsona now?

Kin Feels

I don't experience any kind of "shift" really, I don't feel it physically. I am fully aware I am physically human, and I don't think it's any kinda past life stuff for me. Instead, I feel psychologically kin with nonhumans as a concept and wish I could actually be a creature instead of a boring ol' human. I wanna run around on all fours and gnaw on things! I wanna have a big fluffy fur coat to protect me from the elements! I want to just be in a body I feel matches my sense of self more. I feel species dysphoria when I'm reminded I'm not physically a dog-wolf-monster thing, and if I could change my body to be different, I would! On the flipside, I can experience a lot of species euphoria when I'm surrounded by stuff that makes me feel closer to my kin source. Like, more at home. More "me" than what my body will let me be.

With character kins, it's more than just relating to and really liking them. That's me. Not literally, but more like DAYUM! I found the words to describe myself, except instead of words, it's a fictional character. And it subtly (or not so subtly) affects what my dreamself is, what I want my body to be and what I could do. Normally I wouldn't suddenly decide to bleach my hair blond, at least, not without a lot of consideration, but Mello made me go WAIT ACTUALLY I COULD BE BLOND! I MIGHT LOOK REALLY GOOD! And I think I did! But it's been a while. Also, I forgot to mention the level of anthro I tend to feel. I tend to slide from "feral creature" to more bestial anthro, though there's times when I feel like a clone of a human from the deepest trenches of the uncanny valley.

Here's some things I do that make me feel extra in touch with myself as otherkin! (mostly species stuff):

• Chewing on stuff! I love you chew stim necklace!! It's inconspicuous while letting you go CREATURE MODE and gnaw on it!!


• Collecting plushies of kin! Mostly dog, cat and wolf plushies, because they're the most common, though I'll snatch any werewolf plush I see! Makes me feel like I'm surrounded by packmates!


• Drink RED drinks! When I feel vampirey, nothing feels better than to drink something strawberry or cherry-flavored and look at your red cup. I don't like alcohol, so when I say this, I'm talking like, strawberry Fanta or something LOL!!


• Eating MEAT grrr snarl!! As someone who's kin with predatory animals, this is what works great for me! I don't get steak very often, but when I do, I WOLF it down ferociously. Medium rare or less, ONLY, I don't fuck with that well done shit!! I also like beef jerky a lot! Of course, it's not the only foods that work great for kin moments; wanna feel like a cute lil princess? Get some cake and tea!


• Learning about my kintype! Knowledge is POWER! And you get to learn cool stuff, like how shiba inus are actually closely related to wolves, closer than most modern dog breeds! Think of that every time you see a Doge meme out in the wild.


• Watching stuff about my kintype!! But that's like, a no duh situation. There's a reason VtMB was a category 7 autism event on my brain!


• Wearing kin stuff! The most obvious are wolf tails and stuff like that, which I own! I have a wolf tail and I love wearing it whenever I can! I also own a werewolf Halloween mask, but it's not super comfy to wear long term. Great for Halloween tho!

See Also